I’m not lazy; I’m in energy-saving mode.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
Why be moody when you can shake your booty?
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not short; I’m vertically challenged.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.
I’m not lazy; I’m in a horizontal life pause.
I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman; I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.
I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing side quests.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
I’m not addicted to chocolate. Chocolate is addicted to me.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
The human body is 70% water. So we are basically cucumbers with anxiety.
I Hate my MOOD, they never ask my permission before they change.
Marriage is a workshop….. where Husband works and wife shops.
Nobody move, I just lost my mind.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’am thinking of making few more.
Life is too short, don’t waste it reading my status.
I am not lazy. I am just on my energy saving mode.
True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.
80% of boys have girlfriends. Rest have brain.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Please GOD, if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.
Status unavailable. Please retry after sometime.
I love my job, only when I am on vacation.
Someone on his whatsapp status is “Sleeping” since 4 days. He’s probably dead.
I have a date tonight with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.
I don’t believe in ghosts, only during day time.
When I was born, I was so surprised – I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
If people are talking behind your back, then just FART.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Having one child makes you a parent. Having 2 makes you a referee.
I am not crazy, my reality is just different then yours.
I will marry a girl, who looks pretty in her Aadhar card.
How to confirm you are in love? Just ask yourself this question – Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person.
I did not get drunk. I just got awesome.
I don’t always get asked for a data, but when I do, its April 1st.
Procrastination is the art of keeping with yesterday.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Hey there, Are you using whatsapp?
I can…. but I won’t.
I am just one step away from being rich, All I need is money.
I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be just proud of me.
Maybe if I tell brain is an app – people might start using it.
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you through it hard enough.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always being there sticking up for me for all those times I needed the most.
When life shuts a door open it again. Its a door – that’s how they work.
Unless your name is GOOGLE, please stop acting as if you know everything.
I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon.
Relationships are a lot like algebra… I always look at my X and wonders Y.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Some people just need a high-five… in the face with a chair.
I am currently supervised. I know it scares me too, but the possibilities are endless.